Vibraphone

Her mobile phone's ringer'd gone dumb.
Unnoticed, 'twould vibrate and hum.
So she put it in front
alongside her cunt.
Now whenever she's called, she will come.

Little Big

The muscle-bound, chiseled Aleutian
could flex with superb execution,
but parts 'neath his belt
exposed when he knelt
were otherwise quite Lilliputian.

Laura Does Improv

When notes for her lecture were slim, Prof
Laura would not cry nor wimp'r. Off
course she would go
yet on with the show
and draw from her background in improv.

Try Harder

Trying as hard as I might
I can't get this limerick right.
The rhyming is forced
but the punchline's the worst.
If it weren't for that this rhyme would be tight.

God's Love

God said "Don't eat fruit from the tree
of knowledge of G and of E".
But Eve was persuaded
by Serpent and ate it,
not knowing how mad God would be.

Then Eve, having thus disobeyed
The Lord, she led Adam astray.
For defying His one wish
God vowed he would punish
all humans 'til the end of days.

Malpractice

Bob's vasectomy? - a troubling endeavor
(one he shall not repeat - not ever!).
For, against his preference,
his poor old vas deferens
was less than skillfully severed.

How it's Done

The number of beats in each line
is critical. So is the rhyme.
The content and such
don't matter so much
as long as it's funny.

Untitled

In a feat of loopy design
I composed the previous line
then, continuing, wrote
the following: "
I composed the previous line [...]"

Another Hoover Maneuver

There once was a gal from Vancouver
who sucked out her twat with a Hoover
then pushed it back in
with a bottle of gin
left o'er from a previous maneuver.

Hoover

There once was a gal from Vancouver
who sucked out her twat with a Hoover,
for years of abuse
had so damaged her cooze
that anything less failed to move her.

The Stew of the Lambs

Lamb stew makes an awfully good meal.
But, left out, will lose its appeal.
but spoilage is abated
if it's refrigerated.
Just beware - it tends to congeal.

Hat Tip to Ogdred Weary

He approached her with guile and with zest,
intent on committing incest.
She, at first, was evasive.
But he was so persuasive
that finally she acquiesced.

Dude!

He, in a thick cloud of incense, said "If
Mom's nose were a bit less sensitive
less time would be spent
on masking the scent
and more would be free for to tend the spliff".

Smooth Operator

Having run out of thread during surgery,
in order that he might get closure he
substituted for thread
some hair off his head.
Now whiskers appear where the scar should be.

Heresy

The infidel wondered out loud
if God really lives in the clouds.
And for his slight heresy
was strung from the nearest tree,
for doubting Him was disallowed.

Suffering

When desire is finally met,
one's happy to’ve quenched it, and yet
a short while later
it returns still greater.
Now what, in the end, is the net?

The Futility of Desire

I found my mind wanting, and thought
again and again on what ought
to be there, instead
of this hunger unfed.
But, deeper, I knew, ‘twas for naught.

Schenectady

A devoted young man of Schenectady.
As a gift to his wife, erected he
a collosal pillar
expected to thrill her.
But, alas, the fond tribute rejected she.

Lewd

I hope that you don't find it lewd,
this limerick, not crass nor crude.
If you feel it offends,
or propriety rends,
then it's probably been misconstrued.

Sam the Beetle

Sam G, an ambitious beetle,
aimed to sire a offspring bipedal.
But (too bad for him)
the strength of his whim
will contribute far less than his breed'll.